We Are Not Our Mistakes, and Our Mistakes Don’t Define Us
We’ve all made mistakes that are sometimes overwhelming, and hard to let go. But there’s an essential truth to remember: We are not our mistakes, and our mistakes are not us. Our actions come from our current state of understanding, our beliefs, and even our stresses—but none of these have to define who we truly are.
Why Mistakes Don’t Define Us
Our action is based on our current worldview, which is always evolving. Making a mistake today doesn’t mean you’re bound to repeat it tomorrow. We’re constantly learning, and every misstep can help us grow. In the words of Jay Shetty, “Having a bad action doesn’t mean you are bad.” Mistakes are simply part of being human.
But why do we struggle so much with this idea? Why do we often equate our self-worth with our actions? Often, it’s due to unrealistic expectations of ourselves, ego, or the pressure to meet others' standards. This misalignment can lead to feelings of shame, guilt, or being too hard on ourselves—feelings that aren’t necessarily productive.
Viewing Yourself with Compassion
Let’s say a friend made the same mistake, would you judge them as harshly as you judge yourself? Probably not. We tend to be kinder and more understanding with others, yet we often don’t extend that same grace to ourselves. Try imagining your situation from an outsider’s view. Seeing things from this perspective can help gauge whether your expectations are fair.
Re-evaluating Consequences: Not All Mistakes Are Equal
Some mistakes don’t have long-lasting consequences. They’re small, easily corrected, and likely won’t matter in a week, let alone a year. Amazon’s Jeff Bezos talks about “one-way doors” and “two-way doors.” A one-way door represents an irreversible decision; a two-way door is something you can backtrack on. Many of our mistakes fall into the “two-way door” category—they’re reversible and temporary.
To level set the weight of a mistake, ask yourself: Is this truly consequential? Often our mistakes don’t need the magnitude we give them. If it doesn’t make a long-lasting impact, maybe it’s best to let it go.
Shifting Self-Perception: Mistakes as our Teachers
Another way to detach from the “mistake equals failure” mindset is to look at each experience as a learning opportunity. Mistakes give us the chance to grow stronger and better equipped for future challenges. When we see missteps as lessons rather than personal shortcomings, it changes the way we approach them.
Mistakes provide a chance to share our wisdom with others. By openly discussing what we’ve learned, we can help others avoid the same pitfalls.
Tools for Practicing Self-Compassion
So, how can we start disconnecting mistakes from self-worth?
Get Perspective from Others:
Find a trusted friend who can offer a different view and can shed a different perspective.
Visualize Yourself as an Observer:
Mentally stepping back from a situation lets you examine it more objectively, reducing emotional weight.
Bucket Your Mistakes:
Not all mistakes are created equal. You might consider three buckets:
- Minor: Mistakes with little consequence; let these go and laugh them off.
- Moderate: Mistakes with some consequence; consider what can be fixed or learned.
- Major: Irreversible mistakes with lasting impact; slow down, give these more thought, but don’t let them define you.
Ask Yourself: “What Is This Really?”:
Reflect on whether this mistake actually harms others or contradicts your values. Often, the most bothersome mistakes are the ones that challenge our beliefs or values. By identifying what’s really at stake, you can address it with clarity rather than letting it weigh down your self-image.
Growing Beyond Our Mistakes
Mistakes are inevitable, but they don’t determine who we are. Each one offers a new perspective, a deeper insight, and an opportunity to strengthen our self and world view. Embracing growth mindset lets us see mistakes as teachers, not as judgments on our character.
With time, you can build resilience and compassion for yourself—and maybe even share that learning with others along the way.
What one mistake that helped you become a better person? What was the most important learning from it? How have you used that experience to help you or others?
This blog post was written by Jomel Reyes Losorata with the help of AI